jump start my life

all alone..wondering what to do with my life..i better start building a LIFE by now..but i don't know how to start..if only it were just as easy as doing my sketches..i probably need some lessons on how to "build up a life"..i've been through a lot these past few years..i feel like i'm so lost..like a little child..who can't find her way back home..hoping for someone to find me..and help me find my way back home..if i could just go back..to the time when i was just a little girl..with no worries at all..just happy with whatever i had..i didn't have to worry if i looked good..or if i was already too fat..and the best part of being just a little girl is that..i didn't have to worry about BOYS..about failed relationships..break-ups..cheating..lies..and all that crappy things about love..

now..how do i get back on track again?..i feel like i'm so messed up..and i couldn't fix myself..when people ask me..what are my plans for my future..i honestly couldn't think of an answer right away..it's like all the things that i've planned in the past just flew away with the wind..scattered everywhere..and i don't know where to find each piece..my life right now is like trying to solve a puzzle..but the pieces need to be searched in a maze..that's how messy it is..and that's how hard it is to solve..i know it'll take time for me to solve this puzzle-like life of mine..but i know i'll be able to match the pieces and make it whole again..and create a perfect picture..

i feel like..i've been "crushed" so hard..that every piece of me is gone..but i know if i just continue fighting..i will be whole again..i'm still young..and i'm sure a lot of more complicated things will come my way..but by that time..i'll make sure that i'll solve every puzzle that will come my way..i just have to let all the bad things pass me by..and make sure to learn from them..and let all the good things come to me..


-JJGH-

live.laugh.love

sometimes i ask myself why i keep holding on to something even if i don't know where i stand..and if all that i'm doing is worth fighting for..would i be happy if i continue doing this?..or am i just putting myself in a miserable place once again..should i finally set myself free or keep holding on?..isn't it time for me to be happy yet?..damn it..i wanna give up..but i don't know how..i don't know how to start all over again..will i just let myself fall deeper and not know what i'll ever be to him?..when will he see my worth?..when will he stop taking me for granted?..when will he fight for me?..

am i just a toy?..that he can just play around with and get rid of when he's done using it or perhaps give it away..it would be much better if he gives it away to someone who'll treasure that toy and would never afford to loose that simple toy..or am i just someone he needs ?..to take the place of someone who doesn't show appreciation in whatever he does..or am i just a missing piece?..which only fills up an empty space..am i a trophy?..which is better displayed..or an artwork?..which is nice to look at..

when will i finally be needed by someone i truly love?..when will i feel love that is everlasting?..i've heard a lot of "i love you's" from different people..they say they would love me for the rest of their lives..but where are they now?..ALL GONE..

i keep asking myself..why do we fall in love..when we don't have the assurance that we'll receive love in return..if i were to know the answer to this..perhaps..no one would end up with a broken heart..

a friend once told me that.. "we fall in love because it is worth living for..love and life are the same in a way that both are difficult..but still..it goes on.."he's probably right..love is just like life..it may be complicated at times..you sure do feel like giving up when your placed in a difficult situation..but you still hold on..because you know that God will never put you in a situation you can't handle..life is something you can't control..you'll never know when it will end..just like love..you fall in love one day and the next day you fall out of love with no particular reason..and you can't control that..

it's better not to question the meaning of love..because no matter what you do..you won't get an exact and definite answer..

LIVE..LOVE..LAUGH..

-JJGH-

words left unsaid..

while walking down the street..i couldn't help but think what could happen next..as i go near the place..i could hear your voice..1 step..2 steps..3 steps..i finally reach the place..should i go in? or should i just walk away instead?..am i doing the right thing..or am i just hurting myself all over again?..but i decide to go in..i don't want to think about the "what if's" anymore..so as i walk inside the place..i hear your voice..but i couldn't see you..i sit on the chair..trying not to look around..because i don't know what i'll do if i see you..then finally i look up..and find myself in front of you..i couldn't believe that your back..as i watch you perform..everything came back..it was like seeing you for the very first time..i wanted to cry..i wanted to run away..but i choose to stay..after the 1st set..you came to me..and hugged me so tight..without saying anything else..i couldn't believe you were actually by my side after almost a year of not seeing you..i couldn't even look at you..because i know i will start to cry..i just know the tears won't stop..but i kept thinking that this might be the last time for me to be with you again..so i decided to stay..stay with you at that very moment..without thinking of anything else..

we talked for a while..you told me everything that has happpened..that's just what i needed..to finally know what's been going on..why did you leave me hanging.?.why did you leave without saying goodbye?..you left me without a clue not knowing where i went wrong..i waited for how many months..just to get the answers that keep bugging me for the past 9 months..but still everything's vague..i still can't understand why all this is happening to us..when will this all end?when will i finally be happy?..when will it be my turn?..when will i finally own your heart?..when will there only be ME in your heart?..i couldn't even ask you these questions..i couldn't even tell you everything that has happened to me when you left..i just stayed quiet and listened to whatever you had to say..holding back my tears..and gathering all my strength..just to hide the pain i feel inside..and to show you that i am fine and everything's gonna be alright..you don't have to think about me anymore..all i want is your happiness..seeing you happy..is enough for me..i don't wanna see you blaming yourself for everything that has happened..and i don't want you to ever think that i am mad at you..because after all that has happened..i never hated you..i loved you even more..yeah i know it sounds stupid and all..but that's just how it goes..i guess..

you told me you still love me..i asked you to stop saying that..because it hurts even more..i thought when i would hear those words again..i would be happy..well of course i'm happy..but i keep holding back..will i be in this kind of position again?will i keep torturing my heart?all because of you?..YES..i will!..

you couldn't believe that i waited for you..well, i couldn't believe myself..i've never done this to anyone else..i guess i just loved you TOO much..that i'm willing to wait..as long as i can..i'll fight 'til the end..no matter what happens..just ask me to stay..and i will..just don't ever ask me to let go..because i know i can't..just let me stay..


-JJGH-

falling in love

why do we choose to fall in love..when we don't have the assurance that this will last..? why do we choose to stay..when we know that there's no more point in holding on..? why is it so easy to fall in love..but so hard to let go when love ends..? why do some people need to leave..when you think that everything is going well..? why do we need to give way..if we're there to stay..? these are the questions that i keep asking myself..why is love such a complicated thing? isn't love supposed to be a special feeling? why do we need to get hurt? when we do everything to make things right..but still we end up with a broken heart..it's so hard to fall in love again after a failed relationship..it's like everything's messed up..you can't think right..you can't sleep, eat, and do things the way you used to..it's like you've been crushed..and you can't get back to your feet again..it takes a lot of time before you move on with your life..it's like you're starting all over again..one day you feel great and the next day you feel miserable..it just keeps coming back..you think that you're okay..that you're ready to face reality once again..and get back to your normal life..but once you're all alone..you think about all the things that has happened and you get caught up again.. having someone to love is such a wonderful feeling..having someone to share you're life with is priceless..you feel so complete with that special person..you never expect that the love you have may end..well, no one probably expects that to happen..all i know is that when you're in love..you just feel contented with your life..it's like everything in your life is so perfect..you don't need anymore changes..if you could just stay that way forever..but is there really such a thing as forever?..does love really last for that long?.. i maybe confused about love..i may not even know the true meaning of it..but i'm willing to take time to understand it..

-JJGH-